Work Restrooms (read this)

Intrakit · Post by **Intrakit** » Feb 16 2005 03:22 pm

taken from somewhere.com....

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the survival guide for taking a Poop Dump at the office.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.

FREQUENT FLYER: People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Now go have a good Pooping Day!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Feb 16 2005 03:29 pm

courtesy flushes are the best policy

Intrakit · Post by **Intrakit** » Feb 16 2005 03:32 pm

BrokeA$$Niki wrote:courtesy flushes are the best policy

Indeed.

I once knew this lady here at work that told me of her personal technique.....she would layer the surface of the water with toilet paper before hand, then when the log is dropped, the paper would cradle it like the baby Jesus.

she told me it would prevent any unnecessary skid-marks. Way too much info but she trusted me like that.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Feb 16 2005 03:36 pm

I never worry about skid marks in the pot. Better to worry about skid marks in my undies.

I always hum when I am in the stall. I scare people and they usua;lly leave the bathroom so I can do my business in peace.

papa capp · Post by **papa capp** » Feb 16 2005 03:47 pm

always carry a single use of peanut butter.

if someone sits down in the stall next to you,
wipe some peanut butter (chunky) on the toilet paper and toss it under the stall door at em "accidently" and ask em to hand it back to you.

hilarious.

Intrakit · Post by **Intrakit** » Feb 16 2005 03:51 pm

papa capp wrote:always carry a single use of peanut butter.

if someone sits down in the stall next to you,
wipe some peanut butter (chunky) on the toilet paper and toss it under the stall door at em "accidently" and ask em to hand it back to you.

hilarious.

Wes that's tight man.

Marta · Post by **Marta** » Feb 16 2005 03:55 pm

hahahahhahahahahah

omg!!

this is toofunny!! i knew people that fitted some of that!! hahahaha

pappa capp thast nasty!! hahahahaaaaa

christybomb · Post by **christybomb** » Feb 16 2005 09:19 pm

lolllllllllll

Dj Cliff Davis · Post by **Dj Cliff Davis** » Feb 16 2005 09:43 pm

THIS, is a dope thread!!

Nick Nolte · Post by **Nick Nolte** » Feb 18 2005 12:11 am

int yur the best damn poster this side of the mississippi

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Feb 18 2005 10:30 am

1. Ass filter. (anal emissions catalytic converter)

A device for preventing the smell from some people's asses from affecting the productivity of others. Manufactured and fuelled by the Anal Emmisions Commission.

This is neccesary for those who eat a great deal of feet. In particular, Hobbit's feet.

Larz · Post by **Larz** » Feb 18 2005 11:27 am

i like pooping at work......nothing better than pinching a loaf at work and get paid to do.

SidesofSLaw · Post by **SidesofSLaw** » Feb 18 2005 01:02 pm

hahaha

Lori · Post by **Lori** » Feb 18 2005 02:16 pm

A few more definitions.

PAN SCRAPINGS: The skid marks poop leaves even after three flushes. Only time or Lysol with a brush can remove them.

BART FART: Saying, "whoa man, who farted?" after the smell from your own toot hits the air, a la Bart Simpson. This diverts attention from you to the rest of the office workers.

WARDROBE MALFUNCTION: Pretending that fart you just let escape through tightly clenched buttcheeks was your shoe on the floor, your leather jacket or pants squeaking, or your purse or wallet falling on the floor.

DOG BOG: Blame the sound and smell on the dog.

CAT BLAT: See DOG BOG, insert CAT instead of DOG.

COUCH TATER: Deliberately aiming a fart deep into a sofa cushion, hoping it will give you time to get up and leave the room before it escapes.

BABY RATTLE: Sounds which emit from a diaper when the baby is tickled or squeezed oh so gently. Can be used much like a DOG BOG or CAT BLAT if timed right.