AWESOME Star Wars III Rant + Spoilers for movie

[Intrakit]

This is funny as shit! Serious pissed-off geek content......more can be found at: http://www.bynkii.com/archives/2005/05/ ... cas_i.html


May 01, 2005
I hates Lucas! I hates it forever!
Lucas that is. George Lucas.

Take away his film privileges. He sucks, and he's a total OCD imbecile who doesn't understand that sometimes, it's the imperfections, and the things you may not like about a work of art that make it something more. He thinks that if he modifies everything enough, eventually no one will notice and we'll all call it perfect.

WRONG

First, and this must me said now, he's an awful director. Before all the examples to prove me wrong start up, he's a shit director. What he is good at, or used to be anyway, is editing. All those examples you want to prove me wrong with? American Graffiti? The first Star Wars film? Editing. I mean for the love of god, he made Suzanne Somers look like she could act. Alfred Hitchcock, who could out direct Lucas thirty years after his death couldn't have done that. Early Lucas flicks are tours de force of editing wizardry. The ones that don't suck.

But please, don't try to tell me that Star Wars, (by this I mean, Episode IV, A New Hope. When someone who's 37 says Star Wars, we only mean one movie) is a masterwork of directing. All the great acting happened in spite of Lucas, not because of him. Face it, Harrison Ford was, and is, a great actor. Alec Guiness? Great Actor. The were also big enough to not have to put up with a lot of Lucas' shit if they chose not to. Alas, poor Liam Neeson was not in that position. (Nor is anyone else since Lucas became the richest prat in Hollywood.) Bet he's glad he died off quick.

However, for those of you who think Lucas is a great director, and insist on using Star Wars as an example, I give you Leia's Amazing Disappearing Accent. Early in the film, she had this really awful, (almost Winona Rider in Dracula awful) sorta-British accent: The tighter you make your grip the more systems will slip through your fingers. By her next major scene, she's just dropped that: Hey! Ain't youse a little short for a Storm Trooper? A Great Director keeps track of shit like that. Let's not forget his moronic In the future, chicks don't wear bras because they're all liberated 'n' stuff. Hey moron, there are good technical reasons to wear bras beyond the subjugation of femininity by the patriarchy.

As well, he keeps thinking that if he messes with the movies enough, he'll make them perfect. Well, no, he won't. But his ego, and his pathetically stupid belief in technology as the magic spell of not-sucking won't let him realize this. I saw his huge re-edited explosion for Star Wars. A big ring. Big deal. Now, had he made it look like the explosion of the Nostromo in Alien, that would have been worth the effort. Now, sometimes, it's not total suckage. The added Jabba scenes? Okay, nice background. A little redundant, but not evilly so. But the whole Han shot last, now Han shot at the same time thing? Gimme a break.

A major part of a movie is character development. One of the best examples of those was Han Solo. At the beginning of Star Wars, he's a smuggler, in trouble over money, and quite honestly, will shoot your ass dead if he thinks he has to. Won't bother him a bit. He's a self-centered criminal. Note: This was specifically stated in the book version of Star Wars (The one that Lucas wrote): Everyone knew you never let Han Solo's hands out of sight. Han was not a nice guy. He wasn't utter scum, but he wasn't a nice guy either. Any nobility had been quashed by the realities of his life. But through the movie, and through the first three movies, we see him grow. His nobility rises again. He remembers that money isn't everything, and some things are worth dying for, (contrary to his earlier statements), or even getting frozen in Carbonite for. That's what character development is, and for a long time, Han was a fantastic example of it.

Lucas went and really screwed that up, although he backed off a bit. Now, Han's a good guy from the start. What, he's undercover as a smuggler? If he's that good of a guy, then being a smuggler and working for scum like Jabba makes no sense. He's no longer a character, he's just a plot device for Luke.

Luke gets it in the ass from the magic wand of re-editing too, although supposedly this has been fixed.

I am of course, talking about The Scream.

In The Empire Strikes Back, during his fight with Darth Vader, there's a revelation. Vader reveals that he is Luke's father. It's a powerful scene, since most of what Luke believes has just been crapped on, and thanks to the Force, he knows its true. His entire life is upside down, and, oh yeah, he's kinda fighting for his life, and his hand's been chopped off. So he has a hard choice. Join the Dark Side, or die. He chooses, and silently takes the header off the platform. Vader rushes to the edge, but to no avail. There's a lingering shot of Vader, and we wonder what he's thinking. (Of course, with what Lucas did to The Force, I wonder why Vader didn't just levitate his ass back up, but that's a later paragraph. Never mind, this is explained in Episode III, and it is indeed lame.) Then in the VCR re-release, Luke screams as he falls off the platform. Well goody. Now, it's no longer a noble sacrifice, another example of being willing to die for what you feel is good and proper. No, he what, slipped? He wanted to chat with Vader more? Gimme a break. If the information about The Scream being taken out are true, then good. Because it was stupid and petty. Sorry George, but everyone's right, Empire really is the best of the series and I don't see Episode III changing that. But then, Empire had a good director. Oh, and the re-engineering of Hayden Christensen into the first movie? WTF, Vader never aged in the suit? He was 19 until he died? Gimme a break. He SHOULD look older than oh, HIS SON.

Don't give me any crap about how “Well that's the age he was before he became evil.” No dumbass, that's the age he was at when he was too whiny, foolish and stupid, and went over to The Dark Side because he was an overpowered little whiny bitch. That's the age he was when he became evil. You DO remember where he finds redemption? That whole scene in Return of the Jedi? “Father...help me?” He sees that his entire life since going to The Dark Side has been a waste, an unending cry of rage and fury, and it's about to kill the only thing he ever did that was worth a crap. (Again, I must interject. My statement about rage and fury was wrong. As it turns out, his entire life since going to the Dark Side has been a teen-aged temper tantrum because no one would call him “Master”. Another great character, ass-raped by Lucas)

He couldn't have done that at nineteen. If he had, he wouldn't have become Vader. It was the older Anakin who was able to marshal the strength to rise up and say No more. My evil ends here. He died to save the life he had created, the only time he had created life, (along with Leia), and not destroyed. It's why his request to Luke to remove his helmet so that he can finally see his child with his own eyes, not filtered through Vader's shell is so powerful. It is Anakin we see laying there in the remains of the Death Star as it falls apart around him. It could be said that it was perhaps the only time we get to see Anakin finally being the Jedi he could have been, at last freed of the rage and hatred that formed his early years, and made becoming Vader a given. That is why it is fitting that, in that final scene with Kenobi and Yoda, we see Anakin as he should have been, as he could have been if he had only had more strength of soul when he was younger. Seeing the whiny bitch who had a bad day and helped kill billions is an insult to the strength that the redeemed Anakin had finally found within himself.

In every act of creation, there's the temptation to keep making it better. This temptation must of course be resisted. At some point, you declare it done. Not perfect, but done. You let it go and move on. If there are things you don't like, apply the lessons learned to your next work of art.

As far as the first three movies in the set go, utter crap, all of them, even the ones I haven't seen all of , or have even been released yet. As examples:

The Force now makes you Superman. You can fly, you can shoot lasers, deflect bullets. Probably gives you a bigger winky too. Or for female Jedi, nicer boobs. I dunno, it's a joke now. The Force no longer makes you one with the universe, it makes you a super hero. Of course, the re-directing of The Force into the ultimate Deus Ex Machina pales next to teh stupidity that are midi-chlorians.

I literally could not believe that Lucas did this. So now, being one with The Force means you have a higher concentration of microscopic organisms in your bloodstream? What, is The Force now a form of dysentery? It would explain the crap that passes for Jedi Dialogue but my god, this is moronic, and insults the intelligence of every viewer. George, here's another tip: You don't have to explain everything. We don't need to know the mechanics of The Force. That one scene where they talk about Anakin's midi-chlorian count? Crapola. Trust your audience George. We can live with The Force being mysterious. In fact, it makes The Force cooler. This midi-chlorian idiocy makes it sound like you can get The Force from drinking untreated water. So, instead of The Force being a mysterious thing, it's a disease brought on by micro-organisms. Just great. Have chronic diarrhea? You may be a Jedi.

But that's minor. Take a look at what Lucas does to the actors in Episodes 1 & 2. Liam Neeson? Boring. Samuel L. Jackson? Boring. That's right, Lucas made Samuel L. Jackson boring. The dialog between Anakin and Amidala, (I saw a few parts of Episode 2, and I almost puked)? Oh.my.god...if it were any more wooden, it would be Star Trek V. “I...Love...You...Ami...Da-la” BARF. Christ, why bother using humans at all? Oh wait, Jar-Jar, never mind.

But the fight scenes are the worst. He couldn't even be bothered to choreograph the fight scenes properly. In the final fight with Darth Maul in Episode 1, really look at the action. Ray Park is almost moving in stop motion to let the other two catch up. If that's how bad Jedi fight no wonder they all got massacred. A bad Tae Kwon Do school could do it. I watched the battle between Jango Fett, and Samuel Jackson...okay, so yes, Jackson's character is an uber - Jedi master. But he's fighting Jango Fett. The Baddest Bounty Hunter Anywhere. He's killed Jedi. I'm not saying Fett should have won, I'm saying it should have been a close fight. Not “Swish-swash, and Fett's head rolls away.” That was just insulting. It means that Boba Fett is either the biggest wuss in the world, or that everyone else who fears him is just a complete spineless pile of jelly.

But the worst was Yoda. Yeah, I wanted to see Yoda fight. Who hasn't. But I'm also a martial artist, have been for over a decade. What you realize is that as you work with folks who have been doing this for say, over half a century is that they don't waste movement. The better they get, the more economy of motion. There's no grand gestures anymore. Watch videos of the master who founded Aikido. No great movements, but people get laid out. That's a Master...they use their art unconsciously in everything they do, and when they are actively using it, you can barely see some of what they do. So I'm looking for something that shows Yoda as the Master he is, because even at that point, he's been doing it for what, 700 years? Even fighting Count Dooku. (DOOKU? Holy crap George, don't just HAND South Park the parody...“Howdy-ho everybody, I'm Count Dooky, the evil Jedi Master”) I am hoping for this economy of motion from someone who is a part of The Force at levels that no other Jedi can comprehend. From someone who has transcended anger and hatred.

I'm a complete moron for thinking Lucas could do that.

Instead I get a methed-out cricket with a glow stick. Boing, boing, screaming, yelling, boing boing, and then, he can't even kick Dooku's ass while holding up a building. I guess he can only do that on Dagobah. What a pile of crap.

Looking at the previews for Episode 3? Same thing. Vader pivoting up on the table with his hands clamped up beside his head...so he looks like an overly effeminate flamer getting a surprise. “OOOOOooohh...I get a LIGHT SABER!!!!” The emperor attacking people, looking like Freddy Kreuger in bad robes. No. I refuse to give Lucas my money, or even my time. I honestly hope it gets pirated all to hell and no one sees it in the theater. Losing money seems to be the only thing Lucas understands.

Screw you George, for being such an egotisical cockwad and ruining something that a long time ago, was really really cool.

I wrote that part in December of 2004 on another site, after seeing early previews. I've now read (not bought, George gets no money from me) the kid's book and the full novelization of Episode III.

I hate Lucas more.

You have to understand that in the first three movies, Vader was Evil. He was unnatural. He was the thing that crawled out of the pit that Obi-Wan pushed him into. He scared everyone but the Emperor pissless, and he was the most obvious manifestation of the Emperor's power.

He was Vader, and to even displease him was to die.

Over time, fans of the three good movies think of Anakin as a true tragedy. A noble character who was gradually perverted into a monster. A ray of hope changed into a wasteland of hopelessness.

But what does Lucas give us in the first three movies?

A whiny bitch who couldn't have his way so he turned to the Dark Side in a temper tantrum. He's not even evil anymore, not like Vader was. Now, he's just every other goth-teen stomping into his room yelling No one understands me, but I'll show you all!. My god, he's a sci-fi version of those two prats who shot up Columbine. That's not evil, that's just...teen angst to the max.

So now, every time I see Vader saying great lines like Obi-wan was wise to hid her existence from me. Now his failure is complete. I'll be hearing Neener-neener, I know who she is now, and i'm gonna maker her evil so we can do evil things, like...like wear black and worship SATAN! My god, Lucas turned Darth Vader into DARK HELMET!

Thanks to George's appalling lack of subtlety and talent, one of the great embodiments of screen evil is now the lame embodiment of an over-privileged teen trust kid who had to settle for a stock Benz on their birthday instead of the AMG model.

I mean, at this point, Obi-Wan should have just bounced a basketball off his forehead and told him to squirt a few. Even worse, it's not that Anakin uses the raw power of the Dark Side to crawl out of the lava pit and back to his new master to become Vader in form, not just name. Obi-Wan kicks his damned ass. Cuts off both his legs and the other arm, and watches the basket case roll into the lava. It's a damned midget toss! The only reason he survives is because the Emperor feels a disturbance in the Force, (I guess that much whining does have a long range), and comes to get him. What's the first thought the guy has? Not “Good, now I truly own him.” No, it's “God-damn, you little retard. What good are you like that. Can't shoot no zippy Force death rays, can't fly. Shit. Maybe I can put him in a scary suit, and give him a voice that sounds like he grew a pair at some point.”

Oh yeah, Amidala dying right as the kids are born? Smooth move Lucas, way to keep continuity with “Jedi”. I suppose you'll have to edit out scene where Leia tells Luke about their mother. Way to know your own work, idiot.

Oh, the whole chosen one thing? Why did the Jedi think “Balance” meant, “No more evil.” I guess “Math” is one of the things in the list of stuff A Jedi Cares Not for. Okay, so before Episode III you have two Sith, and a passle of Jedi. That, dear reader, is unbalanced. After Episode III you have two Sith and two Jedi. That dear reader is balanced. I guess along with sex and love, Jedi aren't allowed to do math. Critical thinking and analysis aren't big on their list either. No wonder Anakin Whinewalker wiped them all out so easily.

I have to stop here, it's just too lame to keep thinking about it.

What's left, we find out Han's really a furry, and Chewie's his love-slave?

God I hate Lucas.

Posted by jwelch at May 1, 2005 01:17 PM

[nobuhiro_223]

nice!!! makes me happy to see
people in other groupes like that
and not just in anime.

[Intrakit]

nice!!! makes me happy to see
people in other groupes like that
and not just in anime.

True. I think this will go down as one of the great pieces of literature from this century.

[4james2S.0]

Star wars = crap

[Angie]

Star wars = crap

hmm... i'll hold off and let everyone else ridicule you for that one.

[Preppy Raver]

Star wars = crap

i agree....it ghey if you ask me.

[Angie]

hahahahahahaha...


DAmn Katie, I'll have to call ya lame on that one.

[Intrakit]

I have to say I agree with Katie & James. I used to be a huge Star Wars fan when I was a kid. But the last two sucked badly. Plus, a lot of the stuff in the rant above is true. Just over-dramatized a bit. I'll still take my son to see it cuz I'm nostalgic but I'm not expecting much on this one.

[nobuhiro_223]

For me I like it mainly as some thing cool to watch (like James bond movies)
If i get into the science (or lack there of [dog fights in space!!!]) i
would just get mad. So I think it as entertaining and that is it (i just
sit back and think i am 7 years old again [what as everyone knows, is
not hard for me ]) and go ohh ahhh pretty colors

[SidesofSLaw]

star wars is cool but im into pulp fiction and bizzare shit like that i know its apple and oranges but still point made

[Angie]

yeah, there are some ppl out there that are way too excited about Star Wars mumbo jumbo. It's pretty hi action though. And...in this one, the whole story will play out, so that's kinda cool. I don't know of any other movies that have over 20 years of film story like that.

[Intrakit]

yeah, there are some ppl out there that are way too excited about Star Wars mumbo jumbo. It's pretty hi action though. And...in this one, the whole story will play out, so that's kinda cool. I don't know of any other movies that have over 20 years of film story like that.

That's very true. I read some spoliers from it and it sounds good.

Check out this link...
http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=20201

[SidesofSLaw]

star wars is cool but shit i like lord of the rings way better

[allmightyone420]

I personally can't fucking wait...bring on Episode III

[Dj Cliff Davis]